just napkins XIV

1)
and now i have built something
now i’ve destroyed
maybe one morning
they’ll take me away
and i’ll be out wondering
never a name
stealing and bartering
the old-fashioned way
one day i’ll have money
one day they’ll be gold
moss on the windows
dust on the floor
i’ll be okay
with a tie and no more

____

this is a form of silence
prayer on my lips
there is no pattern here
wait – sure there is
i have been saying wow!
you’ve been alone
i have been seeing you
never too close

2)
granted, i’m just a boy
where there’s something to own
granted, i’m nothing less
than standing at home
where my heart beats for whomever
whenever, i
am standing outside
or caught in a lie

____

crawling out, drawing in
breaths through my lungs
stomach inflated
having no fun
but fun is a thing
i can have anywhere
love is a feeling
i greet with the stairs

____

friends facing walls
i on their side
trying on hats
and wearing each one in stride
vaudeville, it seems
can only be true
if forces decide that it’s them & not you

3)
dig out your catacombs
watch as you go
mad with grief, screaming
don’t laugh and don’t know
bodies unmoving
degrated in stone
they aren’t wasted
their soul is their eyes and the hair on their toes
believe you are right
when you bury your lives
and know that remembering
takes you on something
you won’t overcome
i love you, my father
my mother, don’t cry
i am a warrior
hear me decide
to say “fuck” to the pavers
and land on my steed
drenched with abhorrence
but taking no lead

4)
loneliness drives my words
solitude weeps
i am no ocean
you are the breeze
take the pain always
twist upon waves
surf on desire
and rule over me; saying whomever
whomever you choose

____

don’t you know, everyone
tells me the same
things to remember
like “what is her name”
i am not speaking
of you anymore
i have more problems
i’ve earned the score

5)
bells on the choir side
shall i shine on?
eyes all blue
like a brilliance of none
face me a tell me
i’ve only made pain
and i’ll tell you, my goodness
and your fun shall remain

____

here; tonight
never again
never a morning
never a pen
describing such feelings
regarded as sin
what in the world is that
what is it to win?

6)
cry for no riverboat
die for no crime
lie for no passion sense
try me, and how
i am impossible
i am away
do you think i am speaking
of only one thing?
i am a lifetime
i am a closet
i am a feeling
i’ve lost my own
i am
you aren’t
you are
i’’m not
try it
do nothing
do something
or sue?
no.

7)
double meanings aside
or, likewise, within
there’s always a yesterday
pulling me thin
tear me apart
and scream at my face
i’ve been awaiting
and hunting nothing
don’t care
i am a writer
i am a song
i write for no one
but myself on my lawn
trees above, keeping me
sickness aside
kill me and warning
will face me
and sigh

8)
dear mr president,
like what you’re doing
love who you are
know what is real
when there’s feet and no car
i tell you i love my home
my home is myself
i was born an american
and want nothing else

____

fuck what decisions
you make that i know
are unethical – ethics are at the window
doors are opening
i’m running out
but it’s cold, so i’ll sit
where i should be
to drown

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